chinese get-ups and the meltdown

it is so hot. i am dying. i am kind of thankful that i do not need to spend summer here, because for real, i'd find myself in the perishable goods section.

went to school today. what a drag. only a few highschool students were there, which means it was easy for marvin to spot me eating a big bar of chocolate (*miiiine!!!*). i took my sweet time in finishing my self test in 106, but still i had 3 hours of free time after that, so i went in the learning center and made kulit to sir kaiser. surprisingly, he didnt get annoyed. then rich texted and i had to make kulit to him this time so he would go to school and rescue me from boredom. apparently, he can only rescue me for a couple of minutes, but that wasn't so bad since i bumped into sarah and got to exchange kuwentos with her. it's still not sinking in that i saw her for the last time today. *sob*

*catches breath* anywaaay..

i "confronted" the people who werent allowed to go to my place in tagaytay the other day. haha. kasi naman, it was really fun eh. a lot of unexpected things happened--rich's car broke down, they had to commute there from alabang, it was so cold during the night, and my mom left me and my friends alone in riviera the next day. the guys nearly broke their backs doing stunts in the swimming pool. so much for chinese get-ups. :)

the heat is killing me. :x
i have to go.

i have three days left!!! *sob*

conrado, you and i have a secret! ;)

last day of classes! i am so freakin relieved. :)

hmm..had a long talk with sam today. wow, i missed that girl. it seems like just yesterday when she started calling me her twin because our emotional structures were so alike. we used to spend our time swooning over orlando bloom and viggo mortensen (*snicker*); but earlier, we were talking about life and love and how things have changed. its great that i got to catch up on things with her, because we really were in the brink of drifting apart. haaayy...it's amazing how time flies so fast. i dont want to leave, but at the same time, i want to leave. it's complicated.

love you sam! *hug*

so anyhooo..tomorrow's banquet night, and the day after that is the highschool grad. i have already turned my closet upside down, looking for something to wear. there's no time to buy a new dress, since my supposedly free time has been filled with medical appointments and goodbye-lunch-meetings with family friends. and i have to make do with what's left in my closet, because i've packed most of my clothes already. so yea..i have to be extra creative with what i have.

*note to self: do not wear annoying black, high-heeled, pointy shoes.

if i could describe myself right now in 2 words, it would be majorly stubborn. i think i have a grave inability to let go and a serious case of sentimentality. its like, i'll listen to what you have to say, but that doesnt mean i'll follow it.

crap. i don't know what i'm saying anymore. i'm messed up right now. i'll write back.

no more classes!!! woot! :)

*gabrielangelo: karla, pahingi ng watermelon
*karlamagno: okay! :D
*gabrielangelo: haha. how random.

*giggle*

shiver

i dreamt of *him* last night.

we kissed under the moonlight, which to me is something that's very significant. initially, i felt good in the dream, no traces of guilt whatsoever. but a few seconds after i woke up, i felt the opposite. first of all, chances of that dream happening in real life are like, nil. as in sobra. right now, the awkwardness is back and he's just so...distant. second, i know dreams are brought about by certain secret longings, so me longing for him despite our seemingly permanent distance..its just so unlikely. diba?

i pay close attention to my dreams. they affect my life one way or another, and vice versa. and wala lang, i just find it really strange that i dreamt of him at this point in time, when it seems that we couldnt be farther apart. it's like he morphed into a different person, someone i never knew, or could never know. so there.

hay naku. i dont want carry on with this subject. it's an endless one, with so many versions, yet an uncertain beginning. i hope to never have those kinds of dreams again.

wait. dinnertime. >_<

see me smile

i had a haircut! my hair's like, short now. i actually don't know why i have some sort of proud attitude toward it, because 2 days ago, the moment i got home from the salon, i was whining endlessly about how much of a disaster it was. i look 2 years younger, which is not what you want to look like when you're 15 years old. sigh.. my hair tends to appear shorter when it's wet, after i take a shower. and before, when i get to school, people keep asking me if i had a haircut, and i keep saying no. there's no doubt i had one now. oh well.

i went to my mom's friend's daughter's (haha) wedding yesterday. aside from the self-consciousness that my haircut inspired, my shoes also caused a certain amount of discomfort. they were high-heeled and pointy-toed, and i had to cross the road with them, walk on slippery marble with them, climb high, fearful staircases with them, and walk to the stage and sing with them. yes, i sang. i sang, in a ballroom filled with 300 people, a song that i had chosen just that afternoon. it was funny and nerve-wracking and weird. i didnt know more than half of the people there, and i didnt move a lot because i was afraid of slipping on the shiny parquet (remember, annoying shoes). but i thought, what the heck, i have two weeks left here in the philippines, these people don't even know my name, and this is probably the first and last time i'll see them. so i smiled and didn't let the cold airconditioning get to me. haha.

ahh..my wedding day..something that i dreamt of since i was a kid. and i wanted it to be centered on the passion and happiness that i experience with my significant other (whoever he may be :)), and not on the white gowns and the heavy makeup and the scented invitations. i mean i dont want to be remembered only for those beautiful red roses or that exquisite italian food. weddings should be remembered for so much more, and it saddens me how people can be as decided to get married and be as decided to divorce, eventually.

but before i start daydreaming about backyard weddings and seashore receptions, i better get my act together and do what i'm supposed to do, which is:

-clean room
-do CAP's
-finish packing
-ignore hair

yes, i am learning to smile amid troublesome days. :)

live and let die

...over the night, i come up with a resolution to end it all, because it is inevitable, necessary; and i expect the whole process to be quick and painless. but in the morning, those clear thoughts turn into vague delusions, like water mixed with sand. the sight of your face, the light of your smile, the electricity of your kiss..makes me wonder why i spent the whole night resolving to do those things in the first place...

i think it is important to note that that thing has been going on like a cycle for more than 2 months now. and honestly, i don't know what to do about it. call me selfish, but too many things have happened between us already, and i quite dont know how to let go of that. thinking of doing that rather terrible action while trying to wholeheartedly fulfill my obligations as a gf leaves me with a great feeling of guilt. whether he has even entertained the idea of cutting ties, i do not know, but from what i observed in our many talks, he's not ready to.

and i'm not either.

what exactly is my problem? am i too weak? too afraid? too stubborn? too possessive? too sentimental? i'm running out of time, and no one else can make this choice for me. i refuse to think too much, because obviously, emotions are involved. strong ones at that. and your argument will be as good as mine.


i'd love for our hands to remain laced forever... and ever, and ever, and ever... :'(


bedtime.