live and let die

...over the night, i come up with a resolution to end it all, because it is inevitable, necessary; and i expect the whole process to be quick and painless. but in the morning, those clear thoughts turn into vague delusions, like water mixed with sand. the sight of your face, the light of your smile, the electricity of your kiss..makes me wonder why i spent the whole night resolving to do those things in the first place...

i think it is important to note that that thing has been going on like a cycle for more than 2 months now. and honestly, i don't know what to do about it. call me selfish, but too many things have happened between us already, and i quite dont know how to let go of that. thinking of doing that rather terrible action while trying to wholeheartedly fulfill my obligations as a gf leaves me with a great feeling of guilt. whether he has even entertained the idea of cutting ties, i do not know, but from what i observed in our many talks, he's not ready to.

and i'm not either.

what exactly is my problem? am i too weak? too afraid? too stubborn? too possessive? too sentimental? i'm running out of time, and no one else can make this choice for me. i refuse to think too much, because obviously, emotions are involved. strong ones at that. and your argument will be as good as mine.


i'd love for our hands to remain laced forever... and ever, and ever, and ever... :'(


bedtime.